by Mike Primavera

I love Seattle, but over the years I’ve heard a lot of people badmouth this city for a variety of reasons. Most of the time the reasons given are, in my experience, completely untrue. So your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to help me defend this fine city from slander. These are the most common complaints about Seattle:

Always Raining

This is Seattle’s biggest stigma, and you know what? It’s true. It rains a lot here. What people don’t know is about 90% of the time it’s a very light rain, a mist, a sneeze from the sky. If you’re in Seattle long enough you begin to realize the only people using umbrellas are tourists. You don’t need one. Your body heat alone will keep the rain from hitting you. Since moving here I’ve learned to appreciate the constant rain in Seattle. It keeps everything luscious and green, and it’s the only way some of these non-showering hipsters would ever get wet.

The Seattle Freeze

I’ve heard the story a hundred times. Someone moves here from a small town and just can’t seem to make any friends. They say Seattleites are unwelcoming, distant, and cold up front. There are two things wrong with this. First, making friends as an adult takes time. If you come on too strong it creeps people out. Pump the breaks, hayseed, and play it cool. Friends will come if you don’t try to force it. Second, this is not a Seattleite problem. This is a city of transplants. I’ve lived in Seattle for 8 years and I know zero native Seattleites. They’re like sasquatches. So many people swear they exist but I’ll be damned if I’ve ever seen one. The Seattle Freeze is an excuse used by boring people whose personality is even greyer than our weather.

Drug Problem

Ok yeah, Seattle has a rich history of drug use, but what do you expect from a city with a giant needle sticking out of it? Do you enjoy the music of Kurt Cobain and Jimi Hendrix? If they didn’t have easy access to drugs right here in Seattle none of that music would’ve happened. You’re welcome. And if you’re not into illegal drugs, we have a pretty awesome legal one here.

Now you’re informed. We are proudly wet, unaccepting of the dull, and fueled by drugs. The next time you hear someone besmirch this city, defend its honor.

Michael Primavera is a Seattle based humorist whose collection of comic musings can be found at twitter.com/primawesome