by Mike Primavera

On the way home from work I saw a sign above the freeway that read Drive High, Get a DUI. Ok, but how does a cop tell if you’re high? I’m pretty good at hiding it, I fooled my mom for years. After a little research I learned the police have no on the spot test to prove someone was under the influence of marijuana while driving. The standard field sobriety test is given regardless of what they suspect you’re under the influence of. This is ridiculous. Being high and being drunk are on two opposite ends of the spectrum, therefore should require an adjusted field sobriety test, which I have provided for you below.

The standard field sobriety test is broken into 3 parts:

The Horizontal Gaze Nystagmus (The Pen Test)

That’s right. Nystagmus. No, it’s not a Harry Potter spell. Nystagmus is the bouncing of the eyes when they’re all the way to the right or left. This is what the police officer is looking for when they have you follow the pen.

 Adaptation: Pretty much the same test, only the officer uses a RedVine (or if you’re a disgusting degenerate, a Twizzler) and drags it across your lips. If you don’t take a nibble you pass.

The One-Leg Stand

Stand on one leg and say the alphabet. Be honest, could you do this sober? Balancing is hard and that LMNOP part of the alphabet song is no picnic either.

 Adaptation: This test is stupid so I’m throwing it out completely. You want to catch a stoner? Show them a cat .gif and see how long they voluntarily watch it. More than 5 times through? You’re under arrest, Cheech.

The 9 Step Walk and Turn

9 steps, heel-to-toe, turn, 9 steps back. During this little runway walk the cop is checking for balance and judging your outfit.

 Adaptation: Again, same test, only you have to tell the officer a story while you walk. If you can’t get to the point by the end of the 18 steps, you’re higher than angel sandals.

All joking aside, if you get pulled over for suspicion of driving under the influence of marijuana, deny everything and get a good lawyer. They have no way to prove it. However, I beg all of you to reconsider ever getting behind the wheel while stoned. I can forgive an 80 year old woman driving 30mph on the freeway, but not you Stoney Bologna. Stay home and order a pizza.