Dear The Beauster

by Beau Hebert

Dispatches from Jude’s Old Town:

Jude’s Old Town, Rainier Beach’s family-friendly neighborhood bar, is also the de facto headquarters of South Seattle’s hard-hitting journalism scene. Its dispatches consist of a random quote overheard at the bar and the advice column “Dear The Beauster,” in which Beau, the owner of Jude’s, serves up no-nonsense advice along with a prescription from the pharmacy at Jude’s Old Town.

Dear, The Beauster:

I recently heard a Donald Trump speech and it disturbed me so much that I have developed a case of “Trump-somnia.” Even with his loss in Iowa on Monday night I fear I will never sleep again? Is it even worth trying? -Sleepless in South Seattle

Dear S in S S: Congratulations! You are healthy! “Trump-somnia” is the only rational response to the hateful blather that pours from The Donald’s pouty-lipped mouth. Don’t sleep on this guy. France made that mistake with Hitler in the years leading up to World War II, brewing itself a giant mug of chamomile tea as the Third Reich annexed Austria, then chugging a bottle of Nyquil PM in response to its annexation of Czechoslavakia. When France finally roused from its slumber, a stern little man with an ugly moustache had crawled into its bed, hogging the covers and drooling all over the pillows. Stay awake! Do not sleep until this national threat has been – forgive the pun – put to rest.

 Prescription: The South Seattle Speedball – Espresso-infused vodka, vanilla-infused vodka & a whisper of Bailey’s Irish Cream in a sugar-rimmed shot glass to be dropped Boilermaker style into a pint of Flying Lion Rye Stout and Empire Espresso Toddy Coffee. From the pharmacy at Jude’s Old Town.

 Overheard at the bar: “…When I’m not doling out apocalyptic death…”

Featured photo by Alex Garland

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