by Beau Hebert

Dear The Beauster:

I’m currently dating two women who don’t know about each other. One gets me like no one else does. We have great conversations, and are interested in the same things, but the one problem is she’s very religious, so sex is completely off limits until marriage. The other is a woman who is fun, but not quite as challenging intellectually. We have a great physical chemistry though; she’s the best bedroom gymnastics partner I’ve ever had. If I could combine the two of them it’d be great. I know that I’m going to have to let one go, because each of them wants me to make a commitment. What do I do?

Sincerely, Considering Moving to Utah

Dear, C M to U,

As a rule, I never advise that anyone move to Utah under any circumstances, even given the polygamist possibilities of that strange state. Therefore, you will – I’m sorry to say – have to make a choice. Your predicament would be the envy of most men, so consider yourself lucky in that regard, but now it’s time to look beyond your desires and consider the women involved in this situation. No matter what a prize you may be, it is unfair to keep these ladies in the lurch. My advice? Break it off with both of them. This may sound harsh, but it will allow them to move on with their lives and, hopefully, find suitable partners; and it will free you up to meet someone who better combines the attributes you consider important.

If the “Plenty of Other Fish in the Sea” adage holds true, then there’s a special fish out there for you that can discuss the implications of Post-Modern Cubist Design and its relationship to quantum physics, while gettin’ down like a freak. Steer clear of halibuts, though, unless you’re into that migrating eyeball thing.

Prescription from the Pharmacy at Jude’s Old Town: Cold Shower Cocktail – Green Crème de Menthe & Soda Water.

Overheard at Jude’s: “It might be real, but it’s not right…”

Beau Hebert is owner and head bartender of Jude’s Old Town in Rainier Beach.

Featured image by Alex Garland