Dear the Beauster: North Seattle Gives Me the Heebie-Jeebies

by Beau Hebert

 

Dear The Beauster,

 Every time I have to head north of Seattle’s Mt. Baker neighborhood my flesh starts to crawl. Going to Ballard last weekend induced dry heaving. Avoid it as I might, I know I’m going to have to venture to North Seattle at some point – what suggestions do you have for me to not plunge into despair whenever I do?

 Sincerely,

North Seattle Gives me the Heebie-Jeebies.

 

Dear N S [gives me the] H-J,

Sea-town’s North-South divide is an issue fraught with political, socioeconomic & historical implications much larger than the scope of “Dear The Beauster,” but, suffice it to say, transit between these zones presents challenges. North Seattleites, on the whole, do not realize South Seattle exists, except as a mythological place of the “diversity” they philosophically hold dear, and street gang violence that, though a shame, is great filler between animal interest stories and weather on local news. For them, a trip to South Seattle is like a Safari to Narnia – get your inoculations and C.S. Lewis passages in order. For denizens of South Seattle, heading north is a flesh-scalding descent into Dante’s Inferno of Hell, hence the dry heaving.

My method for remaining calm on a trip to North Seattle is to pretend that I have worm-holed into an alternate South Seattle, one set a decade or so in the future. There exists a cosmic corollary between analogous cities and neighborhoods of greater North and South Seattle. If you were to take a freshly inked map of the Seattle metro area and fold it at a diagonal – Southeast to Northwest, Southwest to Northeast – you will have imprinted this basic alternate Seattle universe and, starting at the extremities, matched the parallels: Tacoma=Everett; Federal Way=Lynnwood; Alki=Madison Park; Seward Park=Magnolia; Georgetown=Fremont; Beacon Hill=Queen Anne Hill; Southgate=Northgate; SODO=South Lake Union; Mt. Baker=Wallingford; Columbia City=Ballard; California Junction=The U-District; Allentown=Lichton Springs; Fauntleroy=Windermere (sounds like a romance novel); Rainier Beach=Greenwood; and, really use your imagination here, Southpark=Ravenna. ….these are not perfect corollaries, but they are oddly similar enough to trick the mind into thinking that North Seattle is just an illusion and that there are really only two South Seattles with downtown and that in the middle.

No need to despair, you’ve just commuted to the other South Seattle, the one where all of the nail salons are now Starbucks, the auto parts stores are gourmet cupcake shops, the Black people are White people, the White people are White people of Scandanavian descent, and the Asian people are Asian exchange students with academic scholarships. Repeat to self: Other South Seattle is awesome!

Prescription from the pharmacy at Jude’s Old Town: Malt liquor, four Jell-O shots and one Advil with a pineapple juice back.

Beau Hebert is owner and head bartender of Jude’s Old Town in Rainier Beach.

Featured Image: Alex Garland

 

7 thoughts on “Dear the Beauster: North Seattle Gives Me the Heebie-Jeebies”

  1. Hmmmm, insulting potential customers is an interesting strategy for a struggling business. Not to mention, the mean-spirited, hypocritical stereotyping really doesn’t make your establishment sound all that appealing. Thumbs down.

    Like

    1. Another humorless North Seattlite. Yeah, I’m sure he’s really worried about all that business he lost from people who were going to drive 20 miles out of the way to visit his establishment. Give me a break.

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  2. LOL, wrong on so many fronts, Levin Bell. Any relatively savvy business owner can tell you what’s wrong with this naive and misguided approach to generating attention. Unless Jude’s is doing really well financially, which I’m guessing it’s not, the owner probably should be worried about attracting customers rather than repelling them. I’ve lived in this neighborhood for many years and this sort of bitter, hypocritical, us-against-them rhetoric, no matter who it’s directed towards, sets a tone for this establishment, one that makes me — a semi-regular customer — skeptical about going back. Again, a savvy business owner would appreciate the honest feedback.

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    1. Riiiiiiggggghhhtttt, because if so many South Seattlite’s stopped going up north to Teddy’s Tavern in Roosevelt, that place would have gone under long ago. Lol, if you actually do live here “wow” it must be in solitude.

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