Dear The Beauster,

My wife likes to cuddle with me, but equally so with our Golden Retriever, Giovanni. In fact, I’m not sure who she needs more, me or the dog. Should I fight for my place as the number one go-to body pillow or cede alpha status to my four-legged competitor?

Sincerely,

Deeply Threatened by my Anthropomorphized Canine

Dear DT by my AC

Giovanni’s golden locks of fur are shiny and lustrous, like the mane of a lion; your hair is wispy and of an unremarkable hue. Giovanni’s affection is constant and unconditional; yours is alternately cloying, then aloof. Giovanni relishes his meal times and devours each nugget of kibble as though it were the most delicious thing on earth; you are a finicky eater who picks at his food until it resembles a sloppy dissection. Giovanni is unwaveringly loyal and protective of your wife; you once used her body as a human shield against a swarm of hornets. Giovanni’s nose is cool, moist and proud; your nose is dry, scratchy and often plugged up. YOUR CONCERNS ARE VALID.

Though Giovanni is demonstrably superior to you on many levels, you retain one distinct advantage: you are of the same species as your wife. Wield this advantage at every turn! Vying for alpha status against a young, handsome golden retriever, as though you were a dog yourself, is both futile and pathetic. Though men exhibit dog-like tendencies, such as peeing on bushes, drooling and dry-humping legs, genetic science states that they should still be categorized as homosapiens. You must reinforce the fact that you are a human being to yourself, your wife…and to Giovanni. Amplify the presence of your opposable thumbs by painting their nails fuchsia and answering most questions with a vigorous thumbs-up sign. Instead of barking commands at your wife, as you usually do, make an effort to convey thoughts and feelings through the clear articulation of multi-syllabic words. Effective deployment of your highly evolved soft palate and larynx will put Giovanni’s crude muzzle into stark relief – let’s just hear him enunciate, “Emotional co-relationship harmony spectrum!” Don’t leap at every impulse like it was a tennis ball flung from a plastic device. Consider the situation  at hand then make a logical, level-headed decision. During this process, be sure to shoot Giovanni a self-satisfied, shit-eating (but not cat shit-eating) grin, while being careful to conceal your canine teeth tucked behind your lips.

Sit and listen. I said sit. Sit! Quit begging for your wife’s attention. No beg. I said no beg! Sit. There you go, good boy. Gooooood boy. Be a man. Quit chasing your tail by placing yourself on the level of a dog, blurring the line of your own species identification and causing your wife to subconsciously conflate you with a golden retriever. The only thing worse than hearing your wife scream the name of your best friend during lovemaking, is hearing her scream the name of man’s best friend during love making.

Handshake? Good hand shake! Goooood boy! Now sit.

Prescription from the back bar pharmacy at Jude’s Old Town: “Hair of the Dog,” of course. A little bit of whatever bit you the night before…Like some gin, a few beers, a shot of something blue that may have been on fire, loads of tequila and something out of some stranger’s flask.

Overheard at the Bar: “What’s up with Davids? I could never date someone named ‘David.’”

Beau Hebert is the owner and head bartender of Jude’s Old Town in the Rainier Beach neighborhood.