by Beau Hebert
Dear The Beauster,
I’ve been dating this guy for the last 4 months who runs hot and cold. One minute he’s gushing about how I’m “The one.” The next minute it’s radio silence for a week, after which he offers some lame excuse as to why it took him 4 days to text me back. He told me he wanted to see other people but keep me as his “primary” girlfriend. His reasoning is that he needs to be sure “he’s not missing out on anything else while still nurturing our relationship.” My gut tells me to drop him and let him “miss out on me.” What do you think Beauster?
Sincerely, “The One” or Just Another One?
Dear T-O or J-A-O,
Gushing then silent. Hot then cold. The one, not the one. This guy needs to void his proverbial bowels or get off the pot!
I recall a sage pronouncement from my mother: “Men are pigs.” I was about ten when she said that. “Am I pig too, Mom?” I asked her. “You’re a piglet,” she responded. Oinking things up is embedded in the deepest nature of men, and it sounds like the pig in question would like to eat its slop while having it too. Respect yourself and set strong terms to pen in this piggish behavior. You are a beautiful truffle demurely buried in about a foot of soil at the base of a mature tree, not a left-over swill of creamed corn, melons rinds and stale bread. You should require a vigorous search through the woods and a brisk rutting of snout into Earth. Relationships are not free-range oink-fests. He needs to keep his snout focused solely on you, not whatever club bait surfaces in the trough.
Gushing then silent is like a sputtering engine. Hot then cold results in tepid. The one but not the one is zero. None of that is good. Find yourself a Wilbur, not a Charlie Sheen.
Prescription from the back bar pharmacy at Jude’s Old Town: The Tipsy Pig – bourbon, Vermouth, bitters & bacon-brown sugar simple syrup shaken and served over rocks with a bacon strip garnish.
Overheard at the Bar: “I’m about nine percent gay, but that goes up to fifteen percent when I’ve been drinking.”
Jude’s Old Town will have “Uncle Rusty Spinning Old School Vinyl” this Saturday night and will open at noon this Sunday serving brunch & lunch for the Seahawks game.
Beau Hebert is the owner and head bartender of Jude’s Old Town
Featured photo by Alex Garland