by Beau Hebert
Dear The Beauster,
My husband and I are in the market for a new car. I’m conservative when it comes to major consumer purchases, but my husband wants to “roll in something fly.” We’re carrying a lot of debt and a fancy car seems like a bad use of our limited funds. How can I keep my hubs from committing a financial auto-geddon?
Anxious about Auto-Geddon in West Seattle
Dear A about A-G in W S,
Don’t be too hard on your husband. For many men, what they drive is an outward expression of their manhood, like their antlers, and I’ll bet even you would not want your husband to have a Ford Festiva as his set of antlers. Given the fact that you and your husband are on a limited budget, let’s approach this “fly” car purchasing journey through process of elimination.
Elimination Series 1: Ridiculously expensive cars. With your limited budget, we can quickly dismiss crazy expensive cars. We’re talking Ferraris, Lamborginis, Maseratis…Bensons, Rolls Royces, Jaguars. Anything Italian or English or with too many vowels in the name. These cars are built for wallets deep enough to handle the initial MSRP’s, enormous maintenance costs and the many tickets to be accrued speeding and driving recklessly in them.
Elimination Series 2: Serial killer cars. These are bad juju automobiles that The Beauster sincerely advises against. White vans, VW bugs (Bundy’s car of choice), most station wagons and Pacers. Pacers…(cue high-pitched violin and chainsaw motors firing up).
Elimination Series 3: Penis Compensators. The penis-compensating vehicles of our roadways are pretty obvious and are usually driven in a penis-like fashion: Hummers, Escalades, Porsches, most models of BMW, etc.
Elimination Series 4: Truly Annoying Cars. The PT Cruiser, mini-vans, Cadillac pick-up trucks, and Saabs.
Elimination Series 5: Mid-life crisis-mobiles. Usually driven by comb-over cowboys blaring Joe Walsh on the stereo system with the top down even when it’s not that nice out. Mazda Miatas, new Fiats, Mini Coopers, some Lexuses.
Elimination Series 6: The overly efficient. As a rule, a “Fly automobile” cannot be something too fuel efficient. Manhood burns at a high octane level. Scratch hybrids and battery-powered cars.
Elimination Series 7: Anything vintage. Expensive! Mechanically challenged!
Elimination series 8: Anything custom. Expensive! Not as fly as one would like to believe.
Elimination Series 9: Anything too practical. Bye bye Hondas, Toyotas & Korean cars.
Elimination Series 10: Anything too impractical. American cars.
Well, I think we’ve successfully eliminated every make of car one could possibly purchase. This leaves us with one final option, the true twelve-point buck of today’s urban roadways: Public transportation! Articulate how “fly” you are in the stretch-limo, chauffeured comfort of a Sound Transit articulated bus or light rail car as you kick it with I-phone in your hand, “Beats by Dre” headphones on your head. Oh the money you’ll save!
Prescription from the back bar pharmacy of Jude’s Old Town: The Low Rider – Blanco Tequila, Zucca, Créme de Cacao & Angostura Bitters.
Overheard at the bar: “Can I get half an order of the side of fries and have it split in half?”
Beau Hebert is the owner of Jude’s Old Town in Rainier Beach and Lottie’s Lounge in Columbia City.
Featured image by Alex Garland