Dear The Beauster: I Can’t Stand My Husband’s Third-Person References Anymore!

by Beau Hebert


Dear The Beauster,

My husband, a proud alumnus of the University of Washington, recently started referring to himself in the third person as “Dave The Dawg.” I fully support his Husky pride, but find it annoying when, for example, I ask him how he’s doing and he replies, “Dave The Dawg is all right.” His friends have also said they pretty much hate it when he says things like, “Dave The Dawg wants to bitch-slap these refs!” or “Dave The Dawg needs a brewski.” As “Dear The Beauster,” you are renowned for referencing yourself in the third person. Can you share any coping mechanisms your wife uses in dealing with your whole third-person referencing thing?


First-World Wife annoyed by Third-Person Husband


Dear F-W W annoyed by T-P H,

The Beauster thanks you for this close-to-the-Beau-nster question! What The Beauster advises is that, instead of persecuting “Dave the Dawg” for referencing himself in the third person, please celebrate the fact that “Dave the Dawg” has placed himself among the ranks of a select group of self-referencing celebrities, like Sesame Street great The Cookie Monster: “Cookie Monster wants cookie!” Surrealist painter Salvador Dali: “Dali is immortal and will not die.” Actor  Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson: “Can you smell what The Rock is cooking?” To just about every president or presidential candidate in U.S. history. Richard Nixon: “You won’t have Nixon to kick around any more because, gentlemen, this is my last press conference.” Bob Dole: “If you had to leave your children with Bob Dole or Bill Clinton, I think you’d probably leave them with Bob Dole.”

But no one self-references with the frequency and surety of our current and most orange-hued third-person self-referencer, The Donald: “Nobody understands Isis like Donald Trump;” “Nobody is tougher on crime than Donald Trump.” Nobody understands the economy better than Donald Trump.” In fact, Donald Trump refracts life through such a deep prism of self-referencing egoism that he’s achieved third-person cubed, which I guess should be considered ninth-person, a true meta-level that seeps into and infects the consciousness of us all; therefore, I’ll just say it for him: “Nobody self-references in the third person as well as Donald Trump.”

Back to your question about how The Beauster’s wife deals with The Beauster’s penchant for third-person self-referencing, The Beauster just has to say that The Beauster’s wife has stuck with The Beauster through good times and bad, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health until The Beauster’s eccentric denigration of the English language do us part. I don’t think she, or any of my friends, have developed any specific coping mechanisms for this, but have, rather, grown used to and accepted me as, well, The Beauster. At the height of my third-person glory, I referred to myself not just as “The Beauster,” but as “Ye Olde Beauster,” “The Transplendent Beauster,” and “The Beauster, so fresh and so clean, clean.” They all breathed a relative sigh of relief when I went back to “The Beauster” plain and simple.

Perhaps if Dave The Dawg ornamented his self-referencing title with something more grandiose, like “The Diggity Daggity Dave Dawg-A-Rooni,” or “Dave The Soggy Dawg Chuck Wagon Express Train,” you too would feel relieved when the day came that he settled back into the minimalism of “Dave The Dawg.” In fact, you’d probably find yourself saying things like, “Maybe it’s time for Dave The Dawg to get off his butt and mow the lawn.”

Prescription from the Back Bar Pharmacy at Jude’s Old Town: The Mai Tai! Rum, Curaçao liqueur, orgeat syrup, fresh orange, pineapple and lime juices – This and the summer sun will cure whatever ails you.

Overheard at the bar: “You know who you look like? Billy Crystal.”

Beau Hebert is the owner of Jude’s Old Town in Rainier Beach and Lottie’s Lounge in Columbia City.

Featured image by Alex Garland