After last week’s interesting but depressing column looking at the leading causes of death in the United States, I promised South Seattle Emerald publisher and editor Marcus Green that this week’s column would be on a lighter note. Or, as Marcus jokingly put it, “unicorns and popsicles.”
There are three things that make Easter great: Candy, Hardboiled Eggs, and the Egg Hunt. I look forward to it every year and you should too. Even if you’re not religious or don’t have children, I’ll show you how to get the most out of this wonderful holiday.
Easter is the number three candy holiday behind Halloween and Valentine’s Day, but personally I think it has the best candy. My favorites are Peeps, Cadbury Cream Eggs, and those big hollow chocolate Easter bunnies. By themselves, each of these products are good, but together they can become something great. Start by removing the head of the chocolate bunny. Then, very carefully, jam several Peeps into the hollow interior. Once full, seal the head back on with some goop from the Cadbury cream egg. Now you have a delicious little treat I like to call the Trojan Rabbit.
I like a snack that makes you work for it. Peeling off the shell is half the fun. I remember dying Easter eggs with my mom as a kid. I was never too crazy about the dying part (the dye stained my fingers and I hated the vinegar smell) but I loved eating the eggs. I quickly learned that if I was to “accidentally” damage one of the hardboiled eggs while dying it, I’d just have to eat that one and start over. I damage a lot of eggs. I loved hardboiled eggs so much, when I was tall enough to reach the microwave I decided to make some for myself. When my mom came home and found the exploded eggs, I managed to unsuccessfully blamed it on the cat. What I had done was so cute/stupid, my mom took pity and showed me the correct way to make them. I’ve been enjoying hardboiled eggs ever since and you should too.
The Egg Hunt
Kids go nuts for the egg hunt. Even if you don’t have children of your own, I recommend volunteering somewhere this Sunday where an egg hunt is taking place. You will not regret it. A child’s love for the egg hunt goes beyond the motivation of candy and money. I believe there is something deeper at work; something more primal. Kids love hunting for eggs because of residual sperm instinct. Think about it. They wouldn’t even be here if they weren’t the best egg-finding sperm in their “class”. I mean really, a group of kids having an egg hunt is like an egg-hunting all-star team. Get out there this Sunday and watch for yourself.
Easter has a lot to offer, so make yourself a Trojan Rabbit this Sunday and sneak it into your stomach. Load up on some protein-packed hardboiled eggs (but don’t use the microwave). And most of all, if nothing else, get out there and watch an egg hunt because those little sperm alumni grow up fat. Happy Easter, everyone.
Amplifying the Authentic Narratives of South Seattle